Mental Breakdown.

My mind is broken and my soul is destroyed.

Today I have been suffering from distress so intense that it’s almost unbearable.

I don’t believe I’m depressed because I have been able to function today, after a fashion.  I have washed, shaved, my clothes are fairly clean, my home is clean, I have cooked and eaten a meal.  However, the anxiety and nameless dread are incredibly severe.

There doesn’t seem any reason to hope, and yet there is every reason to fear.  I am mentally, spiritually, and physically afraid.  I want to run.  I am so afraid that my chest hurts, and there is nothing for me to be afraid of.

I want to be alone.  I have been isolating myself in my garret, and yet I would give almost anything to have a friend to talk with.

I’m a mature man, but fat tears have been rolling down my cheeks.

I’m exhausted, mentally and physically done in.

I feel as though I have nothing left to give.

There is no reason for me to be so acutely distressed.

Looking back I don’t ever remember feeling this bad before.

I’m becoming a lunatic.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

23 responses

  1. Jack, sending healing energy to you! I hope you feel better today!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m feeling much better ~ yesterday was a cathartic experience. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. That’s good to hear! 🙂

        Like

  2. It hurts when our souls ache. I’m anticipating you are past this point, at least today. You are one of my favorite persons to read, always full of interesting and fun thoughts. Even this one–it may not be fun (I did not like it). It is real and it is you.
    Wishing I could walk and hug and talk with you. It is hard when all your closest persons are ‘online’. Love you, sweet man!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you darling Kris. ❤ ❤ ❤
      Today I am 100% better. I believe yesterday was a healing experience, and now it's over I feel empowered. Weird…

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Just go with it…{{HUG}}

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you for the hug. ❤ ❤ ❤

        Like

  3. Oh Jack, sending hugs and love and healing prayers your way in triplicate. And then some more ❤ I know the cold season doesn't help much but yes, get to the sea and let yourself get lost in the movement and sounds of of the waves, fresh air and a nice walk sounds good and talk to someone if need be, just be safe ❤ peace, love and deepest blessings, K

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh thank you so much for your kind words, hugs, and prayers. Your kindness means so much to me. ❤ ❤ ❤
      Today I am well. Today I am the real me, and not some cardboard cut-out hiding away from myself. And it feels good.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel good that you feel good, keep up the good feelings my friend ❤ ❤ hugs too ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. BPD can leave you in some real low spots. But it gets better. Try to get out for a walk (especially if the sun comes out), and try to eat well.
    http://www.ibpf.org/blog/how-food-changed-bipolar-disorder-me

    You can beat the bad feelings away Jack.

    And I know that Marm is your pal, but what about getting a best pal dog?

    Look for ‘Mutual Rescue’ videos on YouTube – rescue animals and people helping each other…they are so inspiring.

    😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words.
      Walking always helps my mood, and it’s good exercise. The snag is, it’s well below freezing here…. ❤

      Like

      1. I know, but if you wrap up warm, even a few short minutes in fresh air can revitalise the soul. Personally, I like walking near trees… They are the most life forms to give you calm and serenity… You just need to focus on them and send them your love (in your thoughts…). You will get it back in spades! 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You’re right. My soul is renewed when I walk by the sea. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I am sorry you are experiencing this Jack! I wish I had wiser words. Please do not cave in. Life changes and no matter how hard it can get, we grow out of it. Do seek a therapist or a professional who can handhold you. Lots of Garfield hugs and love!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I appreciate your kind word, advice, and hugs. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Serendipitous Web Life. : )

    Take care, Jack. Life is organic and has movement and change. It will not always be as it is in this moment. BIG hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I appreciate your kind words and hugs. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  7. It is hard to be happy all the time especially when you don’t feel it. It’s even harder to pretend to be happy. To get up and dress.
    Don’t be afraid to cry. Or ask someone for hug. Both will make you feel better.
    Listening to music makes me feel better when I feel so I can’t get up. I hope it will for you too! 💕😘
    Hugs, Jack and you will be in my thoughts

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I appreciate your kind words and mature advice. ❤

      Like

  8. Jack, I want to fix this for you but I can’t. Only you can. I’ve been there and I know how hard that is to do and find out what the root of the matter is that is causing so much distress. Find the root. That way you can either yank it out so it doesn’t take root again or you can nourish it properly so it will grow into what you need. I found my situation came because I wasn’t satisfying my core needs. I was confusing core needs with things like getting dressed, cleaning house, eating and so forth. My core needs were much more deep than that. One of them being the need to feel loved and respected. Another was to feel safe and secure. Once I started focusing on satisfying them which by the way helped me to redirect my life and what I wanted in it, then my feelings of distress abated. They still pop up now and then which reminds me I’m neglecting my core needs. Take care, Jack and I hope you feel better soon. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I opened my mind to itself a couple of days ago. I don’t think it liked what it found.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh my, Jack, that can do it. I’ve done that myself as well and isn’t an easy journey for anyone. It takes a brave soul. It is worth it though once you discover the ability for self-love and self-forgiveness. Take care. ❤

        Like

%d bloggers like this: