An Unnatural Fear Of Abandonment
Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in. ~ Shannon L. Alder
I have a counsellor to help me with my nastier character defects, and recently she explored with me the possibility that I may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder which is a serious mental health problem. The evidence my counsellor quotes is that;
- I have a great fear that the people I care for will abandon me and hurt me.
- I suffer from very intense emotions, and mood swings.
- I am an all or nothing, black and white person.
- I do not have a strong sense of self, (and I have no idea what that means).
- I find it extremely hard to make and keep stable relationships.
- I act impulsively and some of the things I do are dangerous.
- I am the original ‘angry man’.
- I have ‘attempted suicide’ as a cry for help.
- I often refuse medical treatment.
- I sometimes abuse alcohol.
As you would expect, I’ve thought about this very carefully, and decided that my counsellor was talking bull droppings. Accordingly, I found some online self-test questionnaires from sites like; Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified, Counseling-Office.com, Psyche Central, PsyCom, and the UK National Health Service
Every single time I honestly and openly took one of these tests the answer was that I ‘most likely’ have a Borderline Personality Disorder. (Most of the time my scores were off the red end of the scale…) I would rather not have my whole life affected by something that happened years and years ago, when I was a child. Sometimes I act insane, and honestly, I’d rather not.
In order to recover from this ‘illness’ or whatever Borderline Personality Disorder is, I have some serious work to do.
It seems that I should be reporting to my family doctor, for onward referral to psychotherapy, and treatments like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Schema-focused Therapy, and Systems Training for Emotional Predictability and Problem Solving (STEPPS).
There are also a lot of drugs the doctors can prescribe for BPD; antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilisers, sleeping tablets, tranquilisers… My guess is that none of these drugs will work much to actually treat a Borderline Personality Disorder.
None of that official medical treatment is going to happen any time soon. This is my problem, in my own mind, and I am determined to solve it myself. Self-help is a very powerful thing. Even though I am my own worst enemy ~ the real me will win out in the end.
I’m so good at beginnings, but in the end I always seem to destroy everything, including myself. ~ Kiera Van Gelder
Self-help may not be the whole answer, but I will keep you posted of my progress. The Truth Is In My Own Mind.