Sometimes I Act Insane

P1010716Pretty recently, it was revealed to me that I suffer from an ongoing, severe, and very unnatural Fear of Abandonment.  This serious psychological problem most likely goes as far back as the death of my maternal grandmother, when I was about four years of age.  I have described something of my own mental health issues in a previous post ~ I hate you, please don’t leave me.

Thirty seconds of pure awareness is a long time, especially after a lifetime of escaping yourself at all costs.  ~  Kiera Van Gelder

The psychological illness I suffer from is sometimes known as Borderline Personality Disorder, and it carries with it some major behavioural problems.  From time to time over the years I have acted in ways that any normal person would call insane, and while I won’t give specific instances, (the specifics are too painful and involve other people), here is a list of the some of the inappropriate ways I’ve behaved;

  • Anger and blaming a friend / loved one, for no real reason.
  • Depression, intense and highly changeable to euphoria.
  • Impulsiveness and recklessness, particularly regarding money.
  • Indifference to the feelings, pain, and suffering of a friend / loved one.
  • Isolating myself, not allowing visitors to my place, not going out.
  • Jealousy ~ intense and irrational.
  • Lying and exaggeration to impress a friend / loved one.
  • Obsessive love / inappropriate obsessions.
  • Paranoid suspicion and lack of trust of a friend / loved one.
  • Refusing appropriate medical treatment.
  • Rejecting and pushing away a friend / loved one.
  • Self-harm through alcohol abuse and prescription / over-the-counter medication
  • Stalking, physically and on-line.
  • Suicidal thoughts and not-serious attempts at suicide.
  • Written and verbal abuse / attacks involving a friend or loved one.

This is my very personal catalogue of crimes, not copied from a book, and not based on the experiences of anyone else.  I am pretty certain I could think of some more instances of my reprehensible lunacy, however that’s already a long list which would put me at the murky end of the personality disorder / character defect scale.

There is some good news.  Now that I am aware of the cause of my occasional craziness, I can do something about it.  This includes watching myself very carefully to ensure I stop behaving like a crazy fool as soon as the insanity begins, staying totally away from alcohol, and getting the appropriate treatment / counselling.

It’s slightly better than that.  I also know, (probably), the life events which created this personality disorder in the first place.  Because of that I can grieve, accept myself for who I am, forgive myself, and begin to reach some spiritual serenity.

A crucial element of the real self is its unconditional acceptance of itself.  ~  Michael Adzema

The future is out there, all I have to do is want it enough.



4 responses

  1. […] If you think this is a sudden volte face, then maybe you should also read a post I also wrote quite recently Sometimes I Act Insane. […]


  2. elizabeth ann johnson-murphree | Reply

    We all have issues I modified yours to fit my personality which I like to refer as “Walking to a different drummer”. You are never alone. eajm

    Anger and blaming loved one, for no real reason.
    •Isolating myself, not allowing visitors to my place, not going out.
    •Paranoid suspicion and lack of trust
    •Rejecting and pushing away a friend / loved one.
    Lose myself in my own fictional world.

    ALSO…Be yourself, be kind to yourself and never give up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the last line in your kind comment. Often I have forgotten who I am, I’m not often kind to myself, and from time to time I get the ‘why the hell should I bother’ mood. We can all do better than that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. elizabeth ann johnson-murphree | Reply

        I meant in from the heart, I have learned to love “myself”, I am my best friend; I believe that allows me to love others truthfully.

        Liked by 1 person

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