Pretty recently, it was revealed to me that I suffer from an ongoing, severe, and very unnatural Fear of Abandonment. This serious psychological problem most likely goes as far back as the death of my maternal grandmother, when I was about four years of age. I have described something of my own mental health issues in a previous post ~ I hate you, please don’t leave me.
Thirty seconds of pure awareness is a long time, especially after a lifetime of escaping yourself at all costs. ~ Kiera Van Gelder
The psychological illness I suffer from is sometimes known as Borderline Personality Disorder, and it carries with it some major behavioural problems. From time to time over the years I have acted in ways that any normal person would call insane, and while I won’t give specific instances, (the specifics are too painful and involve other people), here is a list of the some of the inappropriate ways I’ve behaved;
- Anger and blaming a friend / loved one, for no real reason.
- Depression, intense and highly changeable to euphoria.
- Impulsiveness and recklessness, particularly regarding money.
- Indifference to the feelings, pain, and suffering of a friend / loved one.
- Isolating myself, not allowing visitors to my place, not going out.
- Jealousy ~ intense and irrational.
- Lying and exaggeration to impress a friend / loved one.
- Obsessive love / inappropriate obsessions.
- Paranoid suspicion and lack of trust of a friend / loved one.
- Refusing appropriate medical treatment.
- Rejecting and pushing away a friend / loved one.
- Self-harm through alcohol abuse and prescription / over-the-counter medication
- Stalking, physically and on-line.
- Suicidal thoughts and not-serious attempts at suicide.
- Written and verbal abuse / attacks involving a friend or loved one.
This is my very personal catalogue of crimes, not copied from a book, and not based on the experiences of anyone else. I am pretty certain I could think of some more instances of my reprehensible lunacy, however that’s already a long list which would put me at the murky end of the personality disorder / character defect scale.
There is some good news. Now that I am aware of the cause of my occasional craziness, I can do something about it. This includes watching myself very carefully to ensure I stop behaving like a crazy fool as soon as the insanity begins, staying totally away from alcohol, and getting the appropriate treatment / counselling.
It’s slightly better than that. I also know, (probably), the life events which created this personality disorder in the first place. Because of that I can grieve, accept myself for who I am, forgive myself, and begin to reach some spiritual serenity.
A crucial element of the real self is its unconditional acceptance of itself. ~ Michael Adzema
The future is out there, all I have to do is want it enough.