All these attempts to impose order and fairness on a naturally random and unfair universe endorse the futile struggle to choose only black or white, right or wrong, good or bad. ~ Jerold J. Kershman.
The two most traumatic events in my life happened before I was five years of age.
The first was that I was so small and premature at birth I was taken from my mother and put in an incubator, for I believe six weeks. This was in 1950’s England when postnatal care was not what it is today. Some say I would have suffered from that feeling of maternal abandonment. Some say I was lucky not to have died
The second was the death of my principal carer, my maternal grandmother, when I was about four years old. My memories are clear, and I know we loved one another tremendously, in a way that I was never able to love my mother. Still today her loss is not fully resolved in my mind ~ it seems to have been something I was kept away from, and perhaps the whole matter of death and dying was withheld from me as being too young to understand.
Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was what it is. That’s what I wanted ~ to be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself. ~ From Long Day’s Journey into Night, by Eugene O’Neill.
I know how that feels, the overwhelming need to be always alone, to live in dark solitude, never to get close to anyone ever again, because she, (it would have to be a woman), could abandon me in misery.
This has given me some serious problems all through my life. It’s called a Borderline Personality Disorder / Fear of Abandonment, and the consequences are lot worse than it sounds. I have suffered with years of:
- Mood swings, feelings of extreme distress, anxiety, and worthlessness.
- Sexual insecurities, and sexual repression.
- Alcohol abuse and other forms of self-harm.
- Severe difficulty starting and maintaining stable and close relationships.
- Never allowing myself to get close to people, and deliberately driving friends and lovers away.
- Losing contact with reality, living in total fantasy.
- Isolating myself for many years in miserable anxious solitude.
- Anger at, and hatred of others who don’t deserve such treatment
There is a book by Dr. Jerold J. Kreisman I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, perhaps I should have studied and applied the knowledge in this book many years ago.
However, I believe that now I have some self-knowledge and a little self-love. I believe I may finally be able to work through these lifelong issues and achieve some small degree of serenity, spirituality, and happiness.
I would strongly suggest that if you recognise anything of yourself in my tale of woe, you think of doing as I am at last doing, and seek help from wherever you can find it.
the above is a true and real picture of my life
photographs by jack collier