I Hate You, Please Don’t Leave Me

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All these attempts to impose order and fairness on a naturally random and unfair universe endorse the futile struggle to choose only black or white, right or wrong, good or bad.  ~  Jerold J. Kershman.

The two most traumatic events in my life happened before I was five years of age.

The first was that I was so small and premature at birth I was taken from my mother and put in an incubator, for I believe six weeks.  This was in 1950’s England when postnatal care was not what it is today.  Some say I would have suffered from that feeling of maternal abandonment.  Some say I was lucky not to have died

The second was the death of my principal carer, my maternal grandmother, when I was about four years old.  My memories are clear, and I know we loved one another tremendously, in a way that I was never able to love my mother.  Still today her loss is not fully resolved in my mind ~ it seems to have been something I was kept away from, and perhaps the whole matter of death and dying was withheld from me as being too young to understand.

Everything looked and sounded unreal.  Nothing was what it is.  That’s what I wanted ~ to be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself.  ~  From Long Day’s Journey into Night, by Eugene O’Neill.

I know how that feels, the overwhelming need to be always alone, to live in dark solitude, never to get close to anyone ever again, because she, (it would have to be a woman), could abandon me in misery.

This has given me some serious problems all through my life.  It’s called a Borderline Personality Disorder / Fear of Abandonment, and the consequences are lot worse than it sounds.  I have suffered with years of:

  1. Mood swings, feelings of extreme distress, anxiety, and worthlessness.
  2. Sexual insecurities, and sexual repression.
  3. Alcohol abuse and other forms of self-harm.
  4. Severe difficulty starting and maintaining stable and close relationships.
  5. Never allowing myself to get close to people, and deliberately driving friends and lovers away.
  6. Losing contact with reality, living in total fantasy.
  7. Isolating myself for many years in miserable anxious solitude.
  8. Anger at, and hatred of others who don’t deserve such treatment

There is a book by Dr. Jerold J. Kreisman I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, perhaps I should have studied and applied the knowledge in this book many years ago.

However, I believe that now I have some self-knowledge and a little self-love.  I believe I may finally be able to work through these lifelong issues and achieve some small degree of serenity, spirituality, and happiness.

I would strongly suggest that if you recognise anything of yourself in my tale of woe, you think of doing as I am at last doing, and seek help from wherever you can find it.

~

winthe above is a true and real picture of my life

photographs by jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

liebster-12

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10 responses

  1. […] Pretty recently, it was revealed to me that I suffer from an ongoing, severe, and very unnatural Fear of Abandonment.  This serious psychological problem most likely goes as far back as the death of my maternal grandmother, when I was about four years of age.  I have described something of my own mental health issues in a previous post ~ I hate you, please don’t leave me. […]

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  2. I was very close to my maternal grand ma..and while she was alive I never cried with tears..and after she died…I now find tears roll down my cheeks ..when anything touches my heart to hurt or please..she was my friend..she was my companion..and I never needed anyone..even now..I know that no one can take her place in my heart..

    Liked by 1 person

  3. i did not connect the dots, how is being born early and losing a caretaker causing someone borderline personality ? Does it help to have a label? i personally do not think that it helps to have a diagnose though certainly recognising destructive patterns is important and trying to fight them is also important. Good luck and thank you for sharing but i am missing more information like what led to the diagnosis and how it helped to improve your life?

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    1. It’s funny the things which can affect the human mind ~ and this borderline personality disorder typically begins before the age of five. Abuse would have the same impact. The label doesn’t matters, when matters is know what the illness really is, because only then can it be effectively treated.

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    2. I have read several different articles about BPD and what I’ve learned is that this illness is completely different from person to person and tends to look like other illnesses. Some people go years without getting a proper diagnosis. That’s a shame. And a person must have 5 out of 7 of the symptoms. And when there is less than 5 the person is no longer considered borderline. It seems, at times complex. I agree with you, it does help so much to know triggers and being able to recognize destructive patterns.

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      1. What worries me is that I have gone so long without understanding why I was feeling strange and acting so oddly ~ most of the time.

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      2. It shouldn’t. You had a valid reason why. Now you get to work on everything. 😎

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  4. Well done. Thanks for sharing another personal side of you. Allows for a better understanding of the blogger & sometimes what’s behind the writing 🙂
    I read the previous comment in which she included your statement of those you won’t associate with…just so you know I’m 3 out of the 5 you listed 🤓😎😊. I’m not telling which though. 😝

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for those nice comments. Maybe I need to rewrite that page, because I’m sure I was actively looking for reasons not to get into a realtionship… Maybe now I have a better understanding of who I really am.

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  5. Reblogged this on ANN JOHNSON-MURPHREE and commented:
    Don’t miss a single post from this very exciting blogger, visit, follow and enjoy. Please read his “about” too.

    Stated by Jack…”Intelligent conversation is a must for me, I will avoid anyone who cannot discuss most topics with charm, knowledge, and sparkling wit. I will also not be around addicts, practicing alcoholics, casual drug users, smokers, and perverts.”

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