I went to California, which is always nice.
I met a woman, and I wasn’t always nice.
We had different expectations.
So I got angry.
I am so very sorry, and I need to find a way to apologise to her.
I am sorry, with all my heart.
I hope that she will forgive me.
On Sunday mornings I believe all men created jerks.
I have been a jerk.
Every thing I know tells me I have been a jerk.
So how do I get out of here?
I am in love and I don’t think she loves me.
So either I screwed up, or I am lost.
Loneliness is a bitter thing… more bitter when you think you have been freed from it and find it returning again. ~ Anne Cameron.
I do not gamble, I don’t smoke, I have never used drugs, I have never cheated on a woman.
People trust me. Not surprising, as a banker I was the most trustworthy person you could ever want to meet,
I keep myself fit. These days one beer is my limit ~ more than one beer is very bad for me.
I don’t have a beard or long hair ~ I think both are the mark of a degenerate lazy man.
I like the moonlight. Strong sunshine is far too plain for me.
Perhaps I am boring ~ too boring for some women.
So that is their loss. It does not stop me from being lonely.
Some say still waters run deep. And, that what you see is what you get. All I know is that I am the better man for knowing myself.
Remember happiness doesn’t depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think. ~ Dale Carngie.
A healthy mind in a healthy body. Declutter your life. Live in spiritual harmony.
I am home in England again, and nothing has changed.
It’s the same old place, except this time the sun is shining.
Two things are better than America. In England there are no stools at the bar, and beards are considered dirty.
I need to forget all about America. I really do not like California.
Same things always down the line.
plus ça change, plus ça le meme choses
After a month in Southern California I’m now back in England, back in the garret. Although nothing has changed, nothing is the same for me as it was before.
I feel déjà vu and culture shock crowding in.
Some of my time spent in Orange County was nice, some of it was horrible, but all of it was important.
I am not the same person I was when I flew out in March.
There are no ‘do-overs’ in Life, and yet I feel as though I have been transported back in time to a much less confusing age.
The first step towards change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. ~ Nathaniel Branden
All seems simple. Nothing is complicated any more. I don’t ever have to do things I don’t want to do. I never have to accept the unacceptable. And, I never have to allow others to dominate my life.
Some say that; inside a man is always just the little boy he once was. And, that no man will ever change. All I know is that I have not changed, but the world has changed around me.
On my return form the USA I am more focused on the acceptance of myself. I choose kindness and compassion over judgment. I choose curiosity and wonder of and for the future over fear of the past. I choose to like who I like. I choose to leave behind and forget those I don’t like.
you know what?
I have nothing to apologise for.
This morning the freeway was closed on my way to the airport. Accident, lots of police black and whites.
All of my flights have been changed, so I have a layover in Dallas / Fort Worth in stead of Chicago. Hmmmmm
But, now I am well on my way back to England and home.
I miss California and my friend already, and I shall, always.
But, there is no place like home. I guess. 😊😊😊😊
Unexpressed feelings surface later in uglier ways.
Most of us assume that others respond to the world in the same way that we do, and be can be surprised when they don’t. Especially we tend to believe that the people we care for; the person we care for most of all, wants what we want, likes what we like, and fits our view of the world like a key in a lock. Mostly we are wrong, and sometimes that hurts.
The more intelligent a person is, the more originality is found in others. Ordinary people see no difference between men. – Blaine Pascal
As children we developed survival strategies, a self-image, found ways we thought would gain us safety, acceptance, and love. Often we were wrong about that too.
Each of us has a propensity to show a different face to the world, depending upon the situation we are in at any given time. Sometimes these faces are false, and sometimes they are destructive. Often behaving in a manner which is not true to our innermost beliefs causes cognitive dissonance, and that is very likely to make us very unhappy and dissatisfied.
Some of us even change who we are in times of great emotional pressure. For example; normally I am cool, calm, charming, and kind – a veritable Doctor Jekyll. But, under extreme provocation I can become the very dangerous Mr. Hyde – and that isn’t good.
I am working on that. Every single day I try to walk the warrior’s path towards enlightenment, personal development, and spiritual health. Every day I work towards finding balance within my self, so that I only ever show the true me to the world.
Each of us, as individuals, should seek to expand into wholeness, integrity, truth…. We need to seek inner health in body, mind, and spirit. Those diminished people who retreat into their own narrow ways of thinking become fragmented, forever contracting towards ill-health, lies,7 and self-deception.
It’s not about the destination, it’s all about the journey.
Constant bright cheerfulness is strange to an Englishman.
English people abroad, English men especially, can often seem unfriendly because we don’t talk with anyone and everyone we meet. An Englishman will hardly ever engage a stranger in conversation, and if we do it will merely be to exchange a couple of words about the weather. More often than not English men are of very few words, seldom speaking unless we think we have something important or interesting to say.
This taciturn manner goes back a long, long way to when it was considered impolite to speak to someone unless you had been properly introduced.
When out on my regular solitary meditative walks I will often pass by people I have seen many times before, and mostly we will merely exchange a nod, or one or two words.
This isn’t because we are unhappy, morose, or impolite, it’s just that the English are men of few words.
In fact, most English men are content, happy, settled, and confident in body mind and spirit.
To be born an Englishman is to win first prize in the lottery of life. – Rudyard Kipling
England and America are not just two great nation’s separated by a common language, we are also separated by utterly different attitudes, cultures, manners, mores, and standards.
The breaking of a wave cannot explain the whole sea.
In San Diego County there is a seaside town called Encinitas. It is bounded by the Pacific Ocean to the west; the freeway and railway line to the east. Like most seaside towns it’s an insular, self-contained microcosm of all life. Like almost all self-conscious little holiday towns it has more than its share of bars, places to eat, and odd characters.
There are also some cool gardens, nice bookstores, and over-priced womens’ clothes stores. Encinitas could be any seaside town almost any where, if it weren’t for the fact that almost everyone you meet is so obviously Californian.
What is I about the people from Southern California? Maybe its the a most constant sunshine, or the affluence, or the liberal attitudes – but the people from SoCal are ‘different’. Everyone I meet I’d very pleasantly nice, and very ‘laid back’.
Ah well, I guess they would all say that about me. Being a real Englishman makes one stand out in Southern California. And, not necessarily in a good way. I’m a little too taciturn, too staid, and too moral for this part of the world.
No worries, I’m heading home soon.