SEX, LOVE, RESPECT, COMPANIONSHIP, FRIENDSHIP ~ WHICH IS IT?
If older women still want sex and younger men want to have sex with older women, then where is the big problem?
Given that you know anything at all about women you know that they want, and need, all of these; sex, love, respect, friendship, meaningful relationships, trust, empowerment, nurturing, and extra besides. I don’t think any of that changes as women mature, other than that they usually become more discerning, tasteful and refined. I raise this issue because, in the news, movie Goddess Jacqueline Bisset is quoted as saying that there are more beautiful older women who want sex than there are acceptable men willing and able to accommodate them. As though to prove that women do become more discerning as they mature into desire, Miss Bisset also says that she could never sleep with someone ‘who doesn’t smell right.’ And, ‘Older women continue to want sex. They’re horny ~ they want to connect.’
Also in UK news, a survey by the National Opinion Research Centre has found that more wives are unfaithful than ever before, with 15% admitting to their infidelity. This is against 21% of men who will admit to cheating on their wives. The primary cause given for female infidelity is said to be ‘Relationship Neglect’ and a desire for personal fulfillment. My mathematical skills may leave something to be desired, but I know a lot about surveys, lying and infidelity, and these numbers do not add up. In a straw poll, where I can trust the answers, it is obvious that at least as many women than men are unfaithful, but that while some men may be serial adulterers, women may only stray one time, or with only one lover. Also women have a very flexible definition of what does and does not count as ‘having sex’.
Most women will lie about their past and claim to have had fewer sexual partners than they have had, and women will also keep any current or recent infidelities a closely guarded secret. Because we have fragile egos, we men will tend to talk up our sexual exploits. Men can and will get filled with rage over a sexually experienced woman’s past, but all men are far more likely to want casual sex than are most women. Women are sluts if they sleep around, but men are players if they have had a lot of older women conquests. Double standards there somewhere. Don’t ask and any answer you get is probably a lie.
What you can guarantee is that an attractive mature woman will be sexually experienced, which men think is good and bad, at one in the same time. The names given to older sexually active women by young men reflect the lack of respect that female sexual experience engenders; Cougar, MILF, GILF, Puma, Yummy Mummy… There are some other slang names for older women with younger men I would not ever use. In addition, most younger men who have an older sexual playmate will also have a younger wife, significant other, or girlfriend, to which they will return once they have had their fun.
I really need to get out more often.
There are a number of colours to this ‘older woman’ rainbow. There are mature women who have relationships with men of their own age, and then there are older women who have relationships / one night stands with much younger guys. As it goes, many mature women are not particularly age conscious when it comes to a sexual partner. On the other hand, most mature women are very age conscious when it comes to dating a man. When it’s about being seen in public, very young guys need not generally apply. Man-eaters, MILFs, and cougars tend to get a bad press ~ not many have any respect for an older woman with a young guy. Vapid young guys spend time with a cougar for one reason, and it’s not conversation.
A brief exploration of the internet for advice about young men / older women relationships will highlight one thing, it’s about easy sex and how to move quickly on to the next conquest. Respect does not feature except in the negative.
The question is, what is an older women, and what is a mature woman? The two categories do not have a one to one relationship. An older woman, is any woman with a guy more than 5 years younger than she admits to being ~ although there is some room for flexibility depending upon how hot the woman is. (And, I deliberately use the term hot women because most of this has nothing at all to do with real romance.) A mature woman is unafraid to admit to being over 40 years of age. A really mature woman is also that very rare thing, a real keeper. Which just goes to prove that there is a big difference between chronological age and maturity.
None of this is fair because a guy can be comfortable dating a woman who is ten years younger or older than he is, depending on how she looks in a good light. (This is riddled with double standards, but that is the hard truth.) What a manly man should know is that middle-aged women are more sexually active, better in bed, more carnal than younger women, and make of that what you will.
What Miss Bisset and married women looking for a fling should bear in mind is that good-looking young men expect older women to put-out on a first date, and younger men are definitely not interested in a meaningful relationship. While a young guy may want to have an ongoing relationship with a young girl he has had sex with on a first date, when it comes to older women, forget it. If he sees her again, then all he wants is more easy sex. What he knows is that old girls are easy.
All this proves that young men have one primary biological and psychological urge, and beyond sex all they are likely to be interested in is sports and cars. Therefore, women need to be aware of this and not delude themselves into expecting any better of a young, testosterone driven, alpha-male. While women of all ages are complex creatures with a strong need to nurture, young men are very simple beasts, and if they don’t get what they want, right now, they will sulk, become difficult, or just walk away. Young men have no idea of delayed gratification or self-discipline.
Naturally, women know all this. However, many women hang on to the notion that if they kiss enough frogs, that one day they will find their True Prince or Knight Errant. I have it on very good authority, from a very close friend, that many women are deluding themselves. Women have one commodity that interests young men, and the older, more mature woman seeing a younger guy needs to wake up to that.
I am sorry Miss Bisset, being an incredibly beautiful Movie Goddess gives you an advantage over mere mortal women, but it does not change the immutable laws of physics. You can have all the sex you want, but that is all you are likely to get from a younger guy.
While I do not like, agree with, condone, the sexist, misogynist, shallow, short-sighted attitudes of most sub 35 years of age men, all I can do it tell it like it really is. Neither do I like terms like Milf. But face it ladies, young men mostly just want sex, and they will not respect an older woman afterwards.
CLINICAL DEPRESSION IS A SERIOUS ILLNESS
Real Health is not an absence of illness. Real Health is feeling positive, alive, energetic, empowered, physically and mentally well, happy even. Most of us have known that good feeling of self-reliant love for oneself and the world around us from time to time. Conversely, some of us have known what it is to have an absence of feelings other than a feeling of impending, formless, grey doom and despair. The utter helpless hopelessness that can prevent us from performing even simple tasks, such as dragging ourselves out of bed to visit the bathroom, eating, thinking even. This latter type of negative health may not be simple sadness. Some people suffer from periods of depression ~ incapacitating gloom and doom that can lead to loss of personal identity and a death wish.
Clinical Depression is different from unhappiness. Unhappy people can identify the reason for their unhappiness, talk about it, deal with it, get through it. In depression there seems no way to cope so the sufferer’s brain switches off feelings and the person becomes emotionally dead and utterly isolated. Regrettably, any good and redeeming feelings there may be floating around are switched off along with all of the bad feelings. Descriptions vary, some say it’s like being in fog, in a white room, alone in the dark, crushed under a heavy weight of dull misery.
Anyone can suffer from depression, although some seem to have a lifelong battle with the black dog while others can sail through life without once knowing the killing self-doubt of pointlessness. The causes of this curse may have been created as far back as childhood. ‘We are not interested in you. I do not love you. You are nothing. You are not important to me.’ If one get’s much of that in childhood you’re not set up to be full of joy later in life. Not that it makes much difference to the sufferer, but the people in white coats recognise more than one type of depression;
- Exogenous. This is reactive depression caused mostly by an outside event. Bereavement, physical illness, betrayal by a loved one, losing one’s job…
- Endogenous. This kind of depression comes from within. This may be the kind of depression that has its roots in a lack of nurturing childhood love.
- Mixed. Obviously, anyone with a tendency to suffer from a depression coming from within can have a depressive episode triggered by an outside event. Being constantly miserable may be enough to chase one’s significant other into the arms of another.
- Smiling depression. Nobody sees the tears of a clown.
- Masked depression. This is very difficult to recognise because the person the depression is hidden from is you ~ as well as depression you are suffering from self-deception. The symptoms are most likely to be physical rather than obviously emotional.
- Manic Depression. In its severe form this is more properly known as Bipolar Disorder, and is most likely a genetic disease because it seems to run in families. This illness is characterised by severe mood swings, which may take months to switch from depression to elation.
- S.A.D. Seasonal Affective Disorder. When the nights start to draw in and the weather changes, S.A.D. sufferers feel worse and worse as winter approaches. Often the symptoms of depression abate with the approach of spring, but if this happens year after year it can be a debilitating condition.
If you are depressed for the first time it is very difficult to know what is going on. The brain slows down and it becomes difficult to think, let alone to think about what may be wrong. Generally, if you feel very low, if everything seems hopeless, if there is no interest or joy in life, and if this goes on for days, weeks, months… then you may be suffering from clinical depression. If you are self-aware enough, and you have been feeling like this for a couple of weeks, then you need to see your doctor. Don’t just bottle it up, try to get some outside help.
The symptoms of depression can be complex but the warning signs are;
- A feeling of doom.
- Feeling helpless and hopeless.
- Loss of interest in everything and everyone.
- A feeling of infinite detachment and indifference.
- Loss of energy.
- Inability to perform daily routines.
- Inability to concentrate.
- Sleep changes.
- Anger, irritability, reckless behaviour.
- Either a loss of appetite or compulsive eating, or both.
- Excessive consumption of alcohol, tobacco, drugs, gambling, casual sex, reckless driving.
- Aches and pains for no obvious reason.
- Self loathing.
- A feeling that you would be better off dead.
Attempted suicide is only too common for people with severe clinical depression. If you are drinking heavily or taking drugs during depression, then you may be even more at risk. Mix depression, alcohol, reckless behaviour, and over the counter analgesics and you have a very dangerous combination. If you are self-aware enough there is one key warning sign. Feeling as though you would be better off dead is bad enough. Starting to do anything about it means that you are in serious personal danger. Warning signs include; putting your affairs in order, saying goodbyes, planning how you will do it, buying the necessary drugs / whatever, a sudden feeling of peace and calmness…
If you see these signs in yourself or in a loved one, then you need to seek immediate help. As well as your own doctor there are The Samaritans, Alcoholics Anonymous, The Church, and your own friends and family.
Curing your own depression is very difficult. One of the symptoms of depression is an inability to do very much of anything at all, up to and including helping yourself out of the deep hole you are in. However, there are some things you can do, both in the short and long-term;
- Stop taking drugs, other than anything given to you by your doctor.
- Stop drinking so much booze.
- Eat sensibly, even if it tastes like cardboard.
- Stop isolating yourself. Get outside among people, make a telephone call.
- Take some gentle exercise.
- Establish a regular routine. Go to bed, get up, get clean and dressed, eat…,
- Talk to people who have the ability and experience to understand, or just talk to anybody about anything.
- Do some work of some kind, even if it’s just reading.
- See your doctor.
- Stop lying to yourself and others.
There is a lot your doctor can do for you but it boils down to medication and / or ‘talking therapies.’ Neither of these is an overnight miracle. It may have taken your whole life to get into the slough of despond, getting out of it may take a while. However, once you stop going downhill you will start to feel better.
If you feel as though you would be better off dead, then get immediate help.
IS THERE ANY POINT TO MEDITATING?
Just as I once thought that yoga was for girls and Indian Fakirs, I once thought that meditation was all chanting and candles. That was right up to the point where I had a choice between more booze and staying sane, or vanishing into Valhalla, because no middle-aged man should expect to stay normal after a couple of meetings in each and every Scandinavian Financial Centre in one week, followed by a red-eye to San Francisco. Aquavit is nasty stuff taken in quantity. So it was that I bought a self-help book to read on the transatlantic flight, and it had a small section on meditation. This was meditation for stress management, which is basically just relaxing and clearing one’s mind.
Typical, Catch-22, was my reaction. If I could relax I wouldn’t need meditation. But, on the grounds that I will try any stupid idea at least once, I tried some slow breathing mixed with the mind clearing thing ~ and it worked for me. Technically this is probably Karate Breathing Meditation. When I do this I always imagine the sound of my own breathing is the sound of a gentle surf caressing the sand at sunset. Sitting cross legged, yoga style, doesn’t seem to be a requirement. Very peaceful. For a long while I could use this technique to relax, or to go to sleep without booze, no matter how stressed I had been.
What I was doing is to real meditation like casual sex is to true love. Real meditation takes a lot of work over a lifetime, allegedly. Real meditation is supposed to be hard work. Even quieting the mind is meant to have much more to it than the five minutes or so than I was spending every now and then, when I felt like it, when I needed it. That is probably why ‘meditation’ stopped working for me and I went back to the booze instead.
If you are under a lot of pressure, and don’t seem to have anywhere to turn, then meditation may work better for you than booze or drugs, to at least let you sleep at night. Insomnia is extremely dangerous over the longer term, booze and pills are not a real solution to the problem, and you can quote me on that. Meditation is not some crazy, vegetarian, candle-staring weirdness. The practice of meditation is perfectly acceptable for a real man, (even though there is a daily meditation piece in the Huffington Post). In fact meditation is really structured relaxation, and relaxing is good for the body, mind, and spirit.
The serious psychologists would have us believe that there are real health benefits to be gained from a programme of meditation. These include;
- Improved emotional balance.
- A better immune system.
- Lower blood pressure for those with hypertension.
- Better digestion, relieving problems such as irritable bowel syndrome.
- Reduced physical stress, which creates a natural anti-inflammatory effect.
- Improved attention span.
- Better sleep.
- Less pain.
- Helps with exercise and weight-loss programmes.
- Improves learning capacity.
- Better sex.
Sexual meditation seems to me to be just about the same as any other form of meditation, which probably means that I don’t understand it. Tantric sex is part of the whole meditation paradigm, or so I have been informed, by a very close friend. However, I have also been told that just practicing meditation improves lovemaking, partly because it encourages a slower and more focused approach. The whole mental bliss thing seems to be more of a female orgasm experience, but if you are in a relationship it may be worth exploring sexual meditation. It’s probably not going to do much for casual sex, or if you always imagine that you are with someone else. I have also been told that Kundalini Meditation is all about sexual energy.
On the other side of the mirror there is a strong link between meditation and combat. In the modern, urban arena combat can also be taken to mean combat sports and sport in general. Many top athletes include meditation as part of their training plan. If you have ever seen film of a racing driver preparing, you may have witnessed some very specific meditation techniques as they take their mind through every corner, braking, acceleration point on the circuit. Golfers also visualise their shots, which is a very brief piece of meditation. The military is seriously looking at meditation as a way to improve combat performance and mental health.
Being a practical, non-metaphysical man, the obvious question is; How do I meditate?
That depends on you. It’s a bit like asking; How do I learn to drive a car? Mostly one learns by doing it. I discovered that there are some basic points to help the very stressed beginner at this meditation game;
- Find somewhere quiet and comfortable.
- Don’t do anything else. Concentrate on this one thing, being aware of your own body and mind.
- Stop thinking about your problems, try and have a friendly and open attitude.
- Become aware of your breathing.
- Relax your body ~ get away from all that fight or flight tension.
After that very basic summary, I think you need to be taught by an expert, either in person or from books, video, audio… There are innumerable articles on the old internet of the how to meditate ilk. One could do worse than to look there, after you have tried meditation for yourself. Don’t just do research, do some meditation. I’m pretty certain there are no right and wrong ways to meditate, just some things that work better for some people than some other things.
I believe that we bring ourselves to whatever we do, and that for something like meditation, or golf, or sailing, or lovemaking, the important thing is not to try to be something we are not. I have found something on a friend’s blog which helps me ~ The Warrior’s Prayer appeals to the Quixotic part of my psyche. I have no doubt that if a guy wants to benefit from meditation, then he will find his own path to relaxing enlightenment.
THE WHOLE IS MORE POTENT THAN THE SUM OF ITS PARTS
There is an organisation called; Australian National University’s Centre for Research on Aging, Health and Well-being. It appears they have been studying the effects of mixing vodka with a well-known high-energy drink, as opposed to mixing the same amount of vodka with soda water, (club soda). Rebecca McKetin said; ‘We found that when people drink alcohol and energy drinks that they have a stronger desire to keep drinking than if they drank alcohol on its own.’ They go on to conclude that a drinker’s appetite for alcohol is boosted if they use a caffeine-based mixer, as opposed to something such as fruit juice. Well, there’s a bloody surprise. Some PhDs need to get out more.
What is a real surprise is that one of the more popular cocktails in English clubs, Red Bull and vodka, is comparatively innocuous. As far as I know, this particular energy drink doesn’t have much more caffeine content than a decent cola. In every bar I have ever been into, Red Bull is much more expensive than Coke. And, as any respectable world traveller knows, a Cuba Libre is far more dangerous than a Pina Colada. There is no caffeine in a pina colada, just escape. There are some energy drinks containing huge amounts of caffeine, and even if I was still a drinking man, I wouldn’t touch one of those, with or without vodka in it. Caffeine is toxic, and like alcohol, drink enough of the stuff and you will die.
There are also some fairly innocent drinks which become extremely dangerous simply because of the way in which they are supposed to be drunk. As an example, plain booze mixed with fire. Unless you know exactly what you are doing, and stone cold sober, never ever drink a flaming shot while it looks as though it’s still on fire. As a matter of fact, you would have to be a total idiot to go anywhere near a flaming shot. For a start, the point of booze is the alcohol, and setting fire to a drink burns off the alcohol. Secondly, in some light the flame from alcohol is invisible, and it’s not just the mouth which can get burned.
The real lesson is that you need to know what the liquid in your glass is, and what it is likely to do to you before you go anywhere near it. Alcohol is an extremely dangerous substance ~ never, ever drink pure alcohol of any variety because you will die. What we drink is ethyl alcohol mixed with whatever it’s created from to make say wine from grapes, and possibly the most dangerous of these base materials is Artemisia.
Artemisia is commonly called wormwood and it’s used to make Absinthe. This spirit is usually green and usually tastes of aniseed, (anise). A decent absinthe will have high levels of alcohol and decent levels of a chemical called thujone, which is a psychoactive drug and does strange things to the female mood. It’s been variously banned in various places, and as far as I know you still can’t buy real Absinthe, (containing thujone), in the USA. This stuff is sometimes called The Green Fairy. Herbalists will know there are varieties of sage from which one could extract significant quantities of thujone. Add vodka or tequila to sage and you can make a Sage Lady, (don’t use gin), which is a decent substitute for absinthe if you make a pitcher a week in advance of drinking it.
Long Island Iced Tea also contains thujone. This stuff is not tea, although I believe the cocktail was invented in the 70’s on Long Island. I suppose a highball glass full of this very dangerous drink does look as though it’s full of iced tea. Some say that a properly made Long Island Iced Tea even tastes like iced tea. Not being a drinker of cold tea I couldn’t say. What I can say, from personal experience, is that this cocktail tastes of nothing more than a little cola. A good Long Island Iced Tea is very refreshing, and it is very tempting to drink it quickly ~ after which you will not be able to order another because you can’t say a name that long without slurring, or giggling. Women like this drink because it does not taste strong, harsh, or bitter. This drink likes women and gets them disinhibited quite quickly.
One of the essential ingredients of Long Island Iced Tea is Tequila. This is another spirit which can have a strange effect on feminine mood. It has also been known to turn a lot of otherwise decent men into aggressive monsters. Tequila is made from the Blue Agave, a hardy desert plant. The thing is, like a lot of plants, agave also benefits from psychoactive compounds, in this case gamma-Aminobutyric acid, (GABA), which is an inhibitory neurotransmitter. I have no idea what the GABA receptors do. All I know is that most women get quite amorous and very flirty, while some men get very aggressive, after drinking anything with tequila in it. The most acceptable tequila cocktail is still the Margarita.
While it may seem a very good idea to ply your date, (female), with Absinthe, Long Island Iced Tea, or a Margarita, I cannot recommend ever allowing a woman to drink Gin, not under any circumstances. Gin is principally flavoured with juniper berries. As you may expect, juniper is full of psychoactive chemicals. Other than thujone again, it’s uncertain what all these chemicals are, but the effects are; intoxicant, hallucinogen, and deliriant. Gin is sometimes also known as Mother’s Ruin, and while most of the reasons for this can be put down to the alcohol, there is also the insidious effects of whatever psychoactive compounds are in the juniper used to flavour the raw spirit. There is an urban myth that gin makes women cry. This is only true sometimes for some women. However, most women will become Melancholic after drinking gin, and melancholic women are very difficult to deal with unless you want an existential conversation.
Women should be very careful what and how much they drink, unless they really want to love the world. While drinking pure ethyl alcohol mixed with water to make it safe, will have the effect of making everything look better, it is the other chemicals in proper booze which gives each drink its unique flavour ~ and creates its unique effects. These effects range from aggression in men, compliance and desire in women, melancholia, (particularly in women), to paranoia and delirium. Any experienced drinker knows that there are some things which he / she is better off leaving alone. But, as you can see from even the few examples given above, almost all booze has some weird psychoactive chemicals in it. In combination, as in a Long Island Iced Tea, these different types of booze can hit women, (in particular), like an express train.
Mostly, most people will throw up before the full effects of any drink or combination of drinks comes into effect. But, and in general;
- Men will become aggressive.
- Women will become amorous.
if they drink much of any of the more interesting drinks. Beer and whisky mostly just gets you drunk. If you want a wild party, add a handful of fresh sage leaves to a pint of vodka and / or tequila a week or so in advance of the evening.